It's Natural: Typical Adoptee Emotions
Sad. Angry. Embarrassed. Rejected. Fear. Isolated. Self-Doubt. Identity Issues. Inadequacy. Jealousy. Envy.
These are all emotions that all Adoptees face at one time or another. They can experience several or all of them from childhood to adulthood. I experienced all of these at one time or another. I thought I was alone, but just about every Adoptee website and/or book I’ve looked at states these types of emotions are not just normal, but expected. Any information that I read out there cautioned potential adoptive parents that they may need to deal with these feelings with their adopted child at one time or another, which I totally applaud, by the way.
The concept of Adoption comes from having the best of intentions. The goal of adoption is to put a wanted baby in the arms of a couple who are unable to naturally. That family can shower the child with anything and everything. They give all the love to their adopted child that they would give to a child that was born to them naturally. The family embraces that adopted child with open arms, as if that child is biological. But the sheer truth is that child is not connected by blood. No matter how much the child is loved by his/her adopted family, and no matter how much he/she loves them, there is still the knowledge that this family you love so much, is not your blood. They are the only family you have ever known, and yet, something else is missing. It makes no sense, but speaking from experience, I can tell you those feelings, unfortunately, are real.
When I was pregnant with our twins, a question I heard a lot from doctors and nurses was, “What do you know about your family medical history?” Totally legitimate question. The first thought in my head is my parents who raised me. Of course I know their history. I looked at pictures of my dad, aunts and uncles in the Japanese camps during World War II and- before I get much farther in my thoughts about my family, I remember the truth, and I had to say, “I don’t know, I’m adopted.” And that was the first time it really hurt. I grew up with this family. I spent so much time looking at old photographs of my dad’s siblings through school, marriages, my cousins as babies, the cars they drove in the 1950’s, and so on. I felt like I was a part of them. I am a part of them. But the painful truth is that their family history isn’t my family history. No matter how much I wish it was, it isn’t. I tried not to think about it, but my husband knew it bothered me. He always told me it would bring me closure to know my blood relatives. When the twins were born, he reminded me, “These are your first blood relatives,” and he reminded me that our boys carry a part of me, that part I got from my mother, in their DNA. Words cannot express how happy I was to know that my boys were a part of me, even though at the time I had no idea who that was.
Here's the bottom line: I'm adopted. I always will be. But, it doesn't define me. I define myself. I decide who I am, and I have to live with the choices that I made. It's true that the course of my journey changed because of a decision my birth mother made. But that doesn't mean it was the wrong choice, for her or for me. I don't know much about how birth mothers feel, but I do know that the reasons for putting a baby up for adoption generally are well-intentioned. As that child, you don't always feel those intentions, and I've been pretty blind to them most of the time.
As for the feelings that most adoptees feel, they are real. I felt them, I acknowledged them, I gave them their due attention, then I put them away. No matter how I felt - how sad, how disappointed, how angry - my feelings would not change one solitary thing. I still had a life to live, choices to make. I could choose to be a victim of those feelings, and let being adopted define me by allowing those negative feelings to control me. Or, I could take control of those feelings, acknowledge them, set them aside and live my life. I know you're there, feelings, but I'm not going to beat myself up over something that I don't have the power to change, and I never could.
I choose to look at the things in my life that I have to be grateful for. There's that old saying, "count your blessings," and I'll admit that it never meant much to me - some words lose their magic over time, and overuse. But I think now I understand. Every day, be grateful for what you are given. Yes, being adopted can be looked at as a raw deal, but I got adopted. I was chosen. There are kids who grow up in foster homes or orphanages who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I'm always aware, even though my parents never really said this to me, that if I didn't get adopted when I did, that those orphaned kids could have been me. I'll never know how my life might have turned out had the cards I was dealt been different ones. Would I still have the same best friend? Would I still have met my husband and given birth to my children? If I had another life, would I have found my birth family?
So, whatever blessings I do have, I have to accept everything - being adopted was somehow somewhere in my destiny. I wouldn't be the "me" I am today if I hadn't been on that adoption train. And if you're grateful for your life, you have to be grateful for it all. That means accepting all of the colors, even the dark ones. And the outcome of all of that, even though sometimes the waters become muddy, I can see the flecks of gold that shine so bright. I prefer to allow the gold come to the surface, and the other colors just fade, like getting washed away with the rain...you know they've been there, but the pain eventually fades until it's just a memory. You don't forget those feelings, but letting them go allows you to become something that you didn't intend. The best part of life is that we really don't know what's in store. And sometimes, hopefully, it can surprise you.
These are all emotions that all Adoptees face at one time or another. They can experience several or all of them from childhood to adulthood. I experienced all of these at one time or another. I thought I was alone, but just about every Adoptee website and/or book I’ve looked at states these types of emotions are not just normal, but expected. Any information that I read out there cautioned potential adoptive parents that they may need to deal with these feelings with their adopted child at one time or another, which I totally applaud, by the way.
The concept of Adoption comes from having the best of intentions. The goal of adoption is to put a wanted baby in the arms of a couple who are unable to naturally. That family can shower the child with anything and everything. They give all the love to their adopted child that they would give to a child that was born to them naturally. The family embraces that adopted child with open arms, as if that child is biological. But the sheer truth is that child is not connected by blood. No matter how much the child is loved by his/her adopted family, and no matter how much he/she loves them, there is still the knowledge that this family you love so much, is not your blood. They are the only family you have ever known, and yet, something else is missing. It makes no sense, but speaking from experience, I can tell you those feelings, unfortunately, are real.
When I was pregnant with our twins, a question I heard a lot from doctors and nurses was, “What do you know about your family medical history?” Totally legitimate question. The first thought in my head is my parents who raised me. Of course I know their history. I looked at pictures of my dad, aunts and uncles in the Japanese camps during World War II and- before I get much farther in my thoughts about my family, I remember the truth, and I had to say, “I don’t know, I’m adopted.” And that was the first time it really hurt. I grew up with this family. I spent so much time looking at old photographs of my dad’s siblings through school, marriages, my cousins as babies, the cars they drove in the 1950’s, and so on. I felt like I was a part of them. I am a part of them. But the painful truth is that their family history isn’t my family history. No matter how much I wish it was, it isn’t. I tried not to think about it, but my husband knew it bothered me. He always told me it would bring me closure to know my blood relatives. When the twins were born, he reminded me, “These are your first blood relatives,” and he reminded me that our boys carry a part of me, that part I got from my mother, in their DNA. Words cannot express how happy I was to know that my boys were a part of me, even though at the time I had no idea who that was.
Here's the bottom line: I'm adopted. I always will be. But, it doesn't define me. I define myself. I decide who I am, and I have to live with the choices that I made. It's true that the course of my journey changed because of a decision my birth mother made. But that doesn't mean it was the wrong choice, for her or for me. I don't know much about how birth mothers feel, but I do know that the reasons for putting a baby up for adoption generally are well-intentioned. As that child, you don't always feel those intentions, and I've been pretty blind to them most of the time.
As for the feelings that most adoptees feel, they are real. I felt them, I acknowledged them, I gave them their due attention, then I put them away. No matter how I felt - how sad, how disappointed, how angry - my feelings would not change one solitary thing. I still had a life to live, choices to make. I could choose to be a victim of those feelings, and let being adopted define me by allowing those negative feelings to control me. Or, I could take control of those feelings, acknowledge them, set them aside and live my life. I know you're there, feelings, but I'm not going to beat myself up over something that I don't have the power to change, and I never could.
I choose to look at the things in my life that I have to be grateful for. There's that old saying, "count your blessings," and I'll admit that it never meant much to me - some words lose their magic over time, and overuse. But I think now I understand. Every day, be grateful for what you are given. Yes, being adopted can be looked at as a raw deal, but I got adopted. I was chosen. There are kids who grow up in foster homes or orphanages who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I'm always aware, even though my parents never really said this to me, that if I didn't get adopted when I did, that those orphaned kids could have been me. I'll never know how my life might have turned out had the cards I was dealt been different ones. Would I still have the same best friend? Would I still have met my husband and given birth to my children? If I had another life, would I have found my birth family?
So, whatever blessings I do have, I have to accept everything - being adopted was somehow somewhere in my destiny. I wouldn't be the "me" I am today if I hadn't been on that adoption train. And if you're grateful for your life, you have to be grateful for it all. That means accepting all of the colors, even the dark ones. And the outcome of all of that, even though sometimes the waters become muddy, I can see the flecks of gold that shine so bright. I prefer to allow the gold come to the surface, and the other colors just fade, like getting washed away with the rain...you know they've been there, but the pain eventually fades until it's just a memory. You don't forget those feelings, but letting them go allows you to become something that you didn't intend. The best part of life is that we really don't know what's in store. And sometimes, hopefully, it can surprise you.
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